running.

Tell me what you're running from, she said everything and everyone
Tell me what you're running from, what you're running from
Tell me what you're running from because your past it can't be undone
Oh tell me what you're running from, what you're running from

She wakes up every morning, thoughts weighing heavy on her mind
She's hoping today will be a better day than the ones behind
She's having some trouble getting going, from the fear she's paralyzed
She puts her face into her hands and then she cries

She's so tired, she closes her eyes trying to live up to a standard that the world provides
She's so tired, she closes her eyes trying to live up to a standard that the world provides

No hope for tomorrow, no hope for today
No hope for anything that comes her way
She's so used to feeling empty inside
No reasons to live, more reasons to die
At least that's what she feels inside
Will she ever find the courage to change

She's been running away so long, running away from home
Will she ever get back, I don't know, no I don't know
You can see it in her eyes and you can see it in her smile

For some reason this song sticks with me every time I feel overwhelmed. It would feel so good to just start running, and keep running until I get somewhere that seems less convoluted and life is a little clearer. But that isn't possible. There isn't a place where life is less convoluted and clearer. I don't think it's supposed to be that way, it's like that would be too easy.

Sometimes I find myself running in a direction I know isn't right. It's a way to hide from running towards what I should be. I can only run in the wrong direction for so long before I have to take a u-turn and face the shit that really matters. I've been running in the wrong direction lately -- towards people I know it isn't really healthy to run towards. The scenery along the run in the wrong direction is fresh, it's new, and it has been fun. Every time I pass a turn around point I think that I can run just a little further, turn around in another mile. I'm going to get so far away from where I should be. It's time to make a u-turn. Start running towards what I should be ... towards med school, the extended family I have here, and the family I've been running away from.

Running in the direction I should be means ...

• much much much LESS texting
  
• more Library time
  
• calling my family
  
• more literal running
  
• spending time with myself, instead of looking for someone else
  
• reading :)
  
• appreciating the little things
  
• no more commitments to hide from the ones I already have
  

I think that we have come to think of happiness as a state, this permanent feeling. Either you're or happy you're not. People assume that if you're happy than everything is alright.

I've been learning, that happiness isn't a state, happiness is found in the fleeting moments. Happiness is an experience, and it should be taken as one. We should savor in the moments where we find it, but recognize that continually seeking it out lessens the impact.

I realized that trying to be "happy" is so much harder than just enjoying the little moments. It causes anxiety and stress. Attempting to put up this front about your feelings isn't making you happy, nor is it convincing anyone. Be real. Enjoy what comes your way, and rather than worrying about when you'll have it again, take full advantage. SOAK IT UP! I'm so fortunate to have people in my life that allow me to do this. As much of a growing experience as 2009 has been, there are no other people I would rather be doing it with. If you're my friend. THANK YOU. Know that you are changing me, changing me into someone I really want to be.

Lately I have been more scared and uncertain about life than ever, but somehow that's at the back of my mind. I've been getting caught up in the moments. and it's working. Savoring the moments is providing me with happiness. I may not have life figured out, and I may be sad some of the time, but those moments are all I need to get by. The constant reminder that people are good, and life s meant to be enjoyed.

another rejection

I just received ANOTHER rejection email for summer internships ... they are all the same. We regret to inform you that ... blah blah blah ... we had numerous qualified applicants ... blah blah blah. FUCK! I'm 0 for 3 out of the 6 applications I've heard back from.

While I'm holding back tears, my dad tried to make me feel better by telling me its the economy. Bullshit Dad. He just doesn't understand that there are kids way smarter than me, cause I'm the smartest one he knows. He tried to make me feel better by telling me I'm doing all I can and that I'm working as hard as I can. That's hard to hear when as hard as I can isn't getting me into the programs I want.

I've always been smart, and I've always been at the top of my class. I work hard and I sacrifice a lot of things for school. I've always had big dreams and I never wanted to settle for a back up plan. Shit I never even had a back up plan. Now I find myself scrambling to figure one out. I believe everything happens for a reason, I just hope I can figure out the reason for this.

high school deja vu?!

I have restarted this thing like 15 times. Lets just go with last night was not as expected at all. Lily and I met up with some guys from high school, lets call them weird kid and tolo. Wierd kid and I talk on a regular basis and he has been trying for years to get me to meet up with him. I finally got over that he used to be smelly and agreed. (good news he isn't smelly anymore)

The boys show up and we have a beer and breadsticks, small world we run into seriously like 20 other people we went to school with. We all chit chat and get a bigger table with 7 of us. This is when it turns weird. Everyone gets up and Tolo says,

"I just want to say this now, I've regretted saying no when you asked me to Tolo since we were freshman"

Lily nudges me under the table. Keep in mind Tolo is tall, good looking, and easy to talk to. SWEET! one point chelsea! no points everyone else.

The night goes on, we have another round of beers. More highschool guys show up. Most importantly my secret highschool love "cute soccer boy." Another point for me cause I look cute and he comes up to say hi. WOOT! (that point was a little bit of a stretch but I'll take it) We go on to talking about freshman year when wierd kid admits to copying off my science tests, another one of the guys, who shall be known as crude white boy, pipes up "Thats funny you were copying tests, while I was trying to cop a feel." Seriously guy?! WTF! It was not a wanted feel! And I hear Tolo mutter something about not bringing up firsts. hmmm.

The night winds down and we all close our tabs. *Note Lily and I are shitty broke so we put ours on a REDICULOUS credit card. Tolo tells me again that I look great and it was really good to see me. He says I should call him before I head back to school. I give him my number instead : ) and tell him to call me. I give weird kid and crude white boy hugs too, and so does Lily which makes weird kid feel awkward. AWESOME!

Lily and I get in the car and drive away. I fill her in on the ride home about my super crush on Tolo freshman year. About how weird kid could be legit if he stepped out of his wierd box, how crude white boy tried to hook up with me freshman year, and how the cook was my boyfriend in 8th grade. and of course about how "cute soccer boy" and I would have beautiful and smaet children.

Lily and I get home, put in a movie, and I realize I can't find my phone. I go out to the car, only to read a text from tolo "It was really great seeing you tonight." sweet.

**to be fair, I'm 99.9% sure tolo has a girlfriend. but who doesn't love a little flattery.

"There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way."

I wish I knew how to construct all my thoughts in the eloquent way in which they manifest themselves in my head. This year has already brought more changes and challenges than I have ever known and my heart is in continual limbo processing them. The only thing that ever seems to stay the same is that everything keeps changing. I firmly believe that growth is impossible without change, but sometimes it's hard to filter through all the menial bullshit and get down to what its really about.

For the first time in my life I have no idea what I'm doing. I like to be in control, and to have a plan. Things stopped going according to plan. My medical school dream keeps getting pushed farther and farther away. My GPA isn't strong enough, I just got rejected from two summer programs in the last three days, and the MCATS keep getting closer and closer while my life keeps speeding up. I can't swallow it. The fact that I likely may not get into medical school next year, and that I'll be scrambling to figure out what to do with a freaking $80,000 bachelors degree in molecular biology. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now I feel like I'm wandering, I'm working my ass off for a dream that seems so unattainable.

On a good note I''m putting back together the pieces that fell apart the last few months while I struggled with school, dealt with emotionally unstable friends, and realized that being sad is ok sometimes. I'm learning that I can't always keep things togther, and that I have to be able to deal with my own shit before I can handle others.

My recent Life Lessons

• I can't save you, that's something you have to do for yourself
  
• It's alright to be unhappy, but it is not alright to let that dictate you
  
• People you love are going to die. And it is going to be hard.
  
• You are going to grow in and out of friends.
  
• Being alone isn't getting any easier. But it is better than settling for less.
  
• You can plan and work your whole life towards something, only to realize that your hardwork may have not been good enough. -- I'm still working on this one
  
• I ramble. ALOT.
  
• At the end of the day, there is always going to be somewhere there. I can't and shouldn't expect them to solve my problems, but I can expect them to be there.
  
• I'm not ready for alot of the things that I think I am.
  
• Life happens one day at a time. It should be taken that way.
  

I'm really grateful for some much needed time away from school. It's weeks like these that make me really question what I want, and why that seems to be so far away from what comforts me the most.