"There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way."

I wish I knew how to construct all my thoughts in the eloquent way in which they manifest themselves in my head. This year has already brought more changes and challenges than I have ever known and my heart is in continual limbo processing them. The only thing that ever seems to stay the same is that everything keeps changing. I firmly believe that growth is impossible without change, but sometimes it's hard to filter through all the menial bullshit and get down to what its really about.

For the first time in my life I have no idea what I'm doing. I like to be in control, and to have a plan. Things stopped going according to plan. My medical school dream keeps getting pushed farther and farther away. My GPA isn't strong enough, I just got rejected from two summer programs in the last three days, and the MCATS keep getting closer and closer while my life keeps speeding up. I can't swallow it. The fact that I likely may not get into medical school next year, and that I'll be scrambling to figure out what to do with a freaking $80,000 bachelors degree in molecular biology. I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. But for now I feel like I'm wandering, I'm working my ass off for a dream that seems so unattainable.

On a good note I''m putting back together the pieces that fell apart the last few months while I struggled with school, dealt with emotionally unstable friends, and realized that being sad is ok sometimes. I'm learning that I can't always keep things togther, and that I have to be able to deal with my own shit before I can handle others.

My recent Life Lessons

• I can't save you, that's something you have to do for yourself
  
• It's alright to be unhappy, but it is not alright to let that dictate you
  
• People you love are going to die. And it is going to be hard.
  
• You are going to grow in and out of friends.
  
• Being alone isn't getting any easier. But it is better than settling for less.
  
• You can plan and work your whole life towards something, only to realize that your hardwork may have not been good enough. -- I'm still working on this one
  
• I ramble. ALOT.
  
• At the end of the day, there is always going to be somewhere there. I can't and shouldn't expect them to solve my problems, but I can expect them to be there.
  
• I'm not ready for alot of the things that I think I am.
  
• Life happens one day at a time. It should be taken that way.
  

I'm really grateful for some much needed time away from school. It's weeks like these that make me really question what I want, and why that seems to be so far away from what comforts me the most.