running.

Tell me what you're running from, she said everything and everyone
Tell me what you're running from, what you're running from
Tell me what you're running from because your past it can't be undone
Oh tell me what you're running from, what you're running from

She wakes up every morning, thoughts weighing heavy on her mind
She's hoping today will be a better day than the ones behind
She's having some trouble getting going, from the fear she's paralyzed
She puts her face into her hands and then she cries

She's so tired, she closes her eyes trying to live up to a standard that the world provides
She's so tired, she closes her eyes trying to live up to a standard that the world provides

No hope for tomorrow, no hope for today
No hope for anything that comes her way
She's so used to feeling empty inside
No reasons to live, more reasons to die
At least that's what she feels inside
Will she ever find the courage to change

She's been running away so long, running away from home
Will she ever get back, I don't know, no I don't know
You can see it in her eyes and you can see it in her smile

For some reason this song sticks with me every time I feel overwhelmed. It would feel so good to just start running, and keep running until I get somewhere that seems less convoluted and life is a little clearer. But that isn't possible. There isn't a place where life is less convoluted and clearer. I don't think it's supposed to be that way, it's like that would be too easy.

Sometimes I find myself running in a direction I know isn't right. It's a way to hide from running towards what I should be. I can only run in the wrong direction for so long before I have to take a u-turn and face the shit that really matters. I've been running in the wrong direction lately -- towards people I know it isn't really healthy to run towards. The scenery along the run in the wrong direction is fresh, it's new, and it has been fun. Every time I pass a turn around point I think that I can run just a little further, turn around in another mile. I'm going to get so far away from where I should be. It's time to make a u-turn. Start running towards what I should be ... towards med school, the extended family I have here, and the family I've been running away from.

Running in the direction I should be means ...

• much much much LESS texting
  
• more Library time
  
• calling my family
  
• more literal running
  
• spending time with myself, instead of looking for someone else
  
• reading :)
  
• appreciating the little things
  
• no more commitments to hide from the ones I already have
  

I think that we have come to think of happiness as a state, this permanent feeling. Either you're or happy you're not. People assume that if you're happy than everything is alright.

I've been learning, that happiness isn't a state, happiness is found in the fleeting moments. Happiness is an experience, and it should be taken as one. We should savor in the moments where we find it, but recognize that continually seeking it out lessens the impact.

I realized that trying to be "happy" is so much harder than just enjoying the little moments. It causes anxiety and stress. Attempting to put up this front about your feelings isn't making you happy, nor is it convincing anyone. Be real. Enjoy what comes your way, and rather than worrying about when you'll have it again, take full advantage. SOAK IT UP! I'm so fortunate to have people in my life that allow me to do this. As much of a growing experience as 2009 has been, there are no other people I would rather be doing it with. If you're my friend. THANK YOU. Know that you are changing me, changing me into someone I really want to be.

Lately I have been more scared and uncertain about life than ever, but somehow that's at the back of my mind. I've been getting caught up in the moments. and it's working. Savoring the moments is providing me with happiness. I may not have life figured out, and I may be sad some of the time, but those moments are all I need to get by. The constant reminder that people are good, and life s meant to be enjoyed.